The Truth About Lying
by Hunter Phoenix
For those of you who have become familiar with my written
or spoken words, you’ll often notice me signing off with the phrase “From My Heart To Yours”. This is something
I adopted a few years ago, when I came to realization that what comes from the heart, goes to the heart – and that is
how I intend my communications to be; from heart to heart. On the surface this may all sound easy and good, or even a little
“wishy-washy”, but recently I became acutely aware of just how important this heart connection truly is.
have a very dear friend who is always getting himself into hot water with “little white lies”. Most of the untruths
are just that, small lies, misleadings and omissions of truth. But it’s the constant succession of these, which has
over time eroded his credibility, cost him his closest relationships and most pointedly, made it impossible for him to believe
My friend, who I’ll call “Marvin” is on the surface, an honest sort of guy. He doesn’t
cheat on his income tax, lie to customs officers about out of country purchases, or engage in any shady business practices.
So what’s up with the lying?
After the recent dissolution of his latest relationship; with a woman whom he deeply
cared for, I sat down with Marvin to see if we could figure out what was going on. He fidgeted and whined and justified every
single one of his "stories” claiming to be wronged and misunderstood. When we examined one incident in particular, a
relatively small deception, I found myself saying, “…. but if you had only spoken from the heart!”. And
there it was, in the bold clear light of day; the root of all the dishonesty and the simple path to change.
speaks to you from the heart, you can feel it in their every word. Their thoughts are clear and focused, their voice is grounded,
and there are none of those odd little ticks or tells that we all get when we are lying. A voice from the heart moves us and
inspires us, no matter what is being said. It drops deep into our soul, and leaves us with a sense of peace and ease.
from the heart may sound easy, but most of us have had our hearts broken once or twice. This makes the proposition of opening
them up to send and receive, a dark and scary one. Somewhere in the back of our brains, we are all still wired for “fight
or flight” and “survival of the fittest”. With very few real physical dangers in our society, survival has
become of a social nature as opposed to an animal one. Being unloved, unwanted or unaccepted
is tantamount to death. It’s the death of our spirit, a threat to our soul – or at least it feels like it is.
So when that safety is threatened, we will do whatever is needed to protect it, and for most of us a little white lie seems
a small price to pay for the terrific reward of the approval or a friend, or the affections of the one we love.
if what comes from the heart, goes to the heart, then what comes from a place of fear and insecurity, goes straight to the
same place in our friends, our families, our co-workers and our partners. We’ve all experienced that sensation when
the words were all right, but the feeling was just wrong. Someone has said something to you that should have left you feeling
comforted and soothed, and instead you were left feeling doubtful and worried.
When we speak from our hearts, we never
have to “remember what we said”; our words will ring as true for us tomorrow as they did today. So what stops
us? For most of us it’s the vulnerability, and subsequent courage, required in doing so. Speaking our truth may be reciprocated
or even unpopular. We run the risk of that all feared rejection. If it’s only a “story” that is rejected
or laughed at, our egos may be bruised, but our hearts remain safe – undamaged and protected….. or at least so
we think. Huddled alone in the dark, never truly known, loved or accepted for who you really are, somehow never ends up feeling
safe. And so next time we tell a bigger lie to make sure that they’ll love us even more, and so the cycle perpetuates.
deepest most profound connections in life are with those we can just be ourselves with. Every once in a while, there is a
rare crazy person who loves us for who we are - someone who has seen the good and the bad, knows our deep, dark secrets, and
loves us anyway. Oddly, that person is seldom ourselves.
My challenge to you this week, and to my dear friend Marvin,
is to find some more love for yourself. Catch yourself when you go to utter a little white lie – even in your own head.
Tell the truth to yourself about who you are, what you like, where you’ve been and what you’ve done – and
love yourself anyway, then watch your world change.
Our thoughts and our words are food for our souls, and we need
to stop feeding them junk! A connection of hearts fulfills us, sustains us and lights up our world. It nourishes that deep
place inside that’s longing for love and acceptance. This week, this month or this year, see if you can let go of the
need to be right, and embrace the desire to be loved. As I challenge my own white lies, I’ll be thinking of each one
of you, who has bravely let me into your heart, if only for a moment. So with an open heart I say thank you, and offer you
these words to you…..
From My Heart To Yours, Hunter
Hunter Phoenix is a Life Coach and Personal Image Consultant specializing
in Spirit Centered Coaching, Career Development and Personal Life Balance.
For more information about individual sessions
please go to www.OnCallCoaching.comOn Call Coaching - Coaching You To A Better Life!
From Loneliness to Self Sufficiency
by Nick Arrizza M.D.
Are you one of those people
who feel lonely and craves the need for social interaction. If so you likely know that not only does this make you unattractively
"needy" to others, it also jeopardizes your chances of ever feeling happy and inwardly peaceful. What’s at the root
of these "loneliness" feelings and can anything be done to alleviate if not eradicate them once and for all? Yes, it is possible
to go from feeling lonely to feeling self sufficiently confident. Here's how.
of loneliness arise mainly from a deep feeling of emptiness that must be quenched by having others around to validate them
and make them feel whole, complete, OK, important, wanted, lovable and significant.
emptiness arises largely from memories of experiences likely had early in childhood when the individual felt unloved, unlovable,
unwanted, unimportant, not validated and so on. These memories reside within the subconscious
mind/body and there they act as "evidence" that suggests to them that they are somehow "not OK" because they didn't get what
was needed from important people in their lives.
From this so-called evidence they
unconsciously infer that they are "deficient" and hence there in are generated the feelings of "emptiness" that they need
to constantly compensate for.
So simply said we have that:
A) The memories
drive or support the belief that they are deficient.
B) The belief that they are deficient drives the feelings of emptiness.
The feelings of emptiness drive the feelings of loneliness.
D) The feelings of loneliness drive the need to compensate
by attempting to get others to fill the emptiness through their loving attention and/or presence.
The problem with all of this is that as long as those memories are stored unconsciously the feelings of emptiness
will always be there!
The only effective way to release the feelings of emptiness,
loneliness and the need to get attention and love is to "erase" erase permanently the memories that suggest to that individual
that they are deficient in the first place.
This can be done with a powerfully new
process called the Mind Resonance Process® (MRP). In doing so the "empty" feelings disappear as they are replaced by the Life
Force Energy that was missing within.
You see such negative memories actually deplete
one's Life Force Energy and it is this depletion that is responsible for the feeling of emptiness in the first place. Hence
the only way to restore the individual to "wholeness" or "integrity" is to help them reclaim their displaced Life Force Energy.
This is what MRP effectively does.
You can learn more about MRP, by visiting the
web link below. There you can listen to a recently recorded internet radio program on MRP, sign up for the MRP newsletter
or request a free MRP telephone consultation.
Author's Bio Nick Arrizza MD, a former Psychiatrist and Medical Doctor
is an International Life, Executive, Organizational Tele-Coach, Author, Keynote Speaker, Trainer and Facilitator who lives
in Toronto, Canada. He is also on Faculty at Akamai University in Hawaii. He is the CEO and Founder of Arrizza Performance
Coaching Inc. and the developer of the Mind Resonance Process® (MRP) that powerfully and permanently erases negative memories.
Site: telecoaching4u.com or contact me at: email@example.com
How to Help a Teenager Who Says He/She Wants to Die
What an important topic! It is true that teenagers these days experience a lot of stress and emotional pain, and often feel overwhelmed. Often, a teenager who says they want to die are experiencing profoundly overwhelming emotions and confusion, and are letting you know that they are in extreme emotional pain and need help. Sometimes when a teen says he/she wants to die it may mean they are an immediate risk for suicide.
1. No matter which option, this statement needs to be taken seriously
If a teenager says, “I want to die, I want to kill myself, or I'm going to
commit suicide”, always take the statement seriously and immediately seek assistance from a qualified mental health professional.
I know that you may feel uncomfortable talking to your teen about wanting to die, or even contemplating suicide. If they have brought it up to you (or even if they haven’t directly)
they need to talk about it. Rather than putting thoughts in the teens head, asking about their feelings will provide assurance that you care and will give them the chance to talk about their problems.
Depression and suicidal feelings are treatable disorders. The child or adolescent needs to have his or her deep pain recognized and diagnosed, and appropriate treatment plan developed. When parents are in doubt whether their child has a serious problem, a psychiatric examination can be very helpful.
2. Here’s some information
on teen suicide
Suicides among young people continue to be a serious problem. Each year in the U.S., thousands of teenagers commit suicide. Suicide is the third leading cause of death for 15 to 24 year-olds and the sixth leading cause of death for 5 to 14 year-olds.
Recently released statistics reveal that approximately three million youths, aged 12 to 17, either
thought seriously about suicide or attempted suicide in 2000. More than 1/3, 37%, actually tried to kill themselves. Most were suffering from undiagnosed or untreated clinical
depression. An estimated 75% of all those who commit suicide give some warning of their lethal intentions by mentioning their feelings of despair to a friend or family member.
Many of the signs and symptoms of suicidal feelings are similar to those of depression. Parents should be aware of the following signs of adolescents who may try to kill themselves:
-- change in eating and sleeping habits
-- withdrawal from friends, family, and regular activities
-- violent actions, rebellious
behavior, or running away
-- drug and alcohol use
-- unusual neglect of personal appearance
-- marked personality
-- persistent boredom, difficulty concentrating, or a decline in the quality of schoolwork
-- frequent complaints about physical symptoms,
often related to emotions, such as stomachaches, headaches, fatigue, etc.
-- loss of interest in pleasurable activities
-- not tolerating praise
A teenager who is planning to commit suicide may also:
-- complain of being a bad person or feeling rotten inside
-- give verbal hints with statements such as 'I won't be a problem for you much longer', 'Nothing matters',
'It's no use', and 'I won't see you again'
-- put his or her affairs in order, for example, give away favorite possessions,
clean his or her room, throw away important belongings, etc.
-- become suddenly cheerful after a period of depression
-- have signs of psychosis (hallucinations or bizarre thoughts)
If one or more of these signs occurs, parents need to talk to their child about their concerns and seek professional help from a physician or a qualified mental health professional.
3. Realize that being a teen can be really tough these days
Adolescence is a stressful experience for all teens. It is a time of physical and social change with hormones producing rapid mood swings from sadness to elation. Lack of life experience may result in impulsive behavior or poor decisions. The teenager’s brain is “under construction” and is not fully formed until
age 25. This includes areas such as forethought, planning, and delayed gratification.
Even an emotionally healthy youngster may have constant fears of "not being good enough" to be asked out on a date, make the varsity team, or get good grades. Special situations such
as parental divorce or the breakup of a dating relationship may trigger intense sadness and feelings of wanting to die.
For a teen suffering from severe or chronic depression, feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness magnify and dominate waking hours. The ratio of "sad" to "happy" moments becomes lopsided. Despair is ever- present and emotional pain feels like it will never end. Any situation of anger or disappointment may cause a fragile youngster to cross the line from wanting to die to actually attempting suicide.
Unfortunately, adolescents do not wear a sign saying whether they are temporarily
sad or chronically depressed. External indicators such as clothing, music preferences, grades, or even attitude are not accurate indicators of propensity for suicide.
All statements regarding suicidal ideation and/or concrete plans need to be taken seriously by adults.
Chronic hopelessness, harsh self-criticism, and feeling unlovable and unwanted, create a pain that cannot be described. Some severely depressed teens try to rid themselves of this awful feeling by self-medicating with alcohol or other drugs. Others self-injure by cutting, burning, biting or even breaking their own bones in an effort to release the excruciating self-hatred.
Fortunately, most teens will communicate this pain through conversations or writings. Our job as adults is to provide both an ear and a path to professional help
when this information is shared.
Depression is a treatable disease and, with proper intervention, most suicidal teens can be helped to lead long and productive lives.
4. What to do when a teen
says he/she wants to die or is suicidal
Talk to them by letting them know:
care about you. I do not want you to die. I would miss you so much, you are so important to me.
-- Ask them “what is causing you so much pain?” Listen, listen, listen and do not try to be logical or talk them out of their pain. At that moment the person can’t think of the future, they can only think about now. They are preoccupied with a painful past and present. You are trying to accomplish two things - give them someone to listen to them fully so they know they are loved and cared about, and to get valuable information about their frame of reference.
-- Ask them,
if you could wave a magic wand and could change your life, what would you change? This will give you important information about where they are experiencing pain, and what in their life feels like it won’t change.
-- Tell them a part of them wants to live (even
if it is tiny).
-- Tell them again you want to help them to live,
and will get them help.
-- Let them know you are taking them seriously. You might say, “Look, you let me know you were feeling suicidal. If you didn’t want help, you would never have said anything to me, so I’m not going to let it go. Come on. Both
of us will go see someone.” This kind of response lets the person know how serious you are and how much you care. It brings them back in touch with that part that wants to live. In most cases they will agree to see someone after hearing
this. If they still insist on not talking and take off, it is critical that someone who can get to that youngster be told
-- Tell them that even if they have no hope for them, you have hope, and they can barrow some of your hope for them.
5. Realize that you are an important person to them, or they would not have told you anything at all.
You are already
a safe person that they trust and are hoping can help them. By acknowledging their feelings of devastation or depression you will continue to build a strong relationship with them. Your listening to them and trying to understand them will help the teen feel like there is help available. You are really important to them, and you matter to them. Do not feel like you have to take the burden of what they’ve shared completely on yourself. There are medical and qualified mental health professionals you can enlist who can help the teen who has confided in you.
6. Try to assess if
the threat is immediate, ask
“Have you thought about how you might do this?” If they say I have a gun, pills, etc. in my car/in my room that shows they have a plan
and are at high risk - you need to get help right away by calling 911, their parents, their primary care doctor, anyone.
Don’t send them home
by themselves, even if they insist they are fine or were just kidding. If they really want to end their life, they will be
mad at you for taking action, but getting them immediate help is more important than their displeasure with you. Most likely, later they will understand. If you begin to doubt the wisdom of getting psychological help, ask yourself if you would hesitate taking your child to a doctor if his leg was broken just
because she "did not want to go."
Because of the thin line that exists between "having
an idea" and "acting on that idea," it is critical that any suicide threat be taken seriously. If your child says he or she wants to die and/or shares a suicide plan there is no time to speculate whether the words are "real" or if the "mood will pass."
the threat does not seem immediate, do not take a risk - let the teens parents know, make sure they get an appointment with
their primary care doctor, go to ER, etc. While both "situationally unhappy" and "clinically depressed" teens may become suicidal, the second group is more likely to have a plan and materials necessary to carry out this project successfully.
If you are the parent, and it is daytime, call your primary physician for immediate help. If the
doctor is not available, many communities have mental health hot-lines offering guidance or a 24-hour center where psychiatric
emergencies can be evaluated. If all else fails, calling 911 or your local police will generate needed assistance.
If the threat is not immediate, it is still important to follow up with a psychological evaluation. Again, your primary physician should be able to provide you with an appropriate
referral. If you don’t know if the threat is immediate, err on the side of taking action sooner.
Realize that sometimes wanting
to die is a sign of clinical depression, which means that chemical changes have taken place in the teens brain to the point that medication is needed for a time to restore balance in the brain chemicals. An evaluation by a psychiatrist and/or primary care doctor is needed to determine the course of treatment. Multiple research has found that the best treatment for depression is a combination of medication and talk therapy.
I hope this has been helpful for you in helping the teens in your life. You are very important to them, and you and your relationship with them matters.
Note: This question was
submitted by one of the subscribers of my Podcast, Encouragement for Your Soul.
© Kim Fredrickson, M.S., Marriage and Family Therapist (CA MFC 22635) and Life,
Parent, and Relationship Coach is the author of many popular CD’s and articles that will help you build Encouraging
Relationships in your life. To learn more about Kim and sign up for more FREE Relationships Tips like these, check out her
weekly Podcast, Encouragement for Your Soul at KimsPodcast.com, as well as visit EncouragingRelationships.com for more practical help with kids and teens.