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welcome to your unemotional side, 2!

i'm really glad to see you!
you've found your way to the emotional feelings network of sites - "your unemotional side 2."
your unemotional side - get's its name because all of the emotion & feelings words begin with "UN"!

your dictionary definition of:




  1. Not protected; open to assault, injury, damage, or theft.
  2. Engaged in without taking precautions against the risk of pregnancy or infection by sexually transmitted disease

There's a new site in the network! I am almost finished completing each page, but I can't wait anymore to tell you all about it! Please pay it a visit soon! It's an important topic!


nuture 101


 read my personal blog about living with emotional feelings!



getting the info organized!
getting the info organized!
getting the info organized!

Healing Abandonment Wounds
by Margaret Paul
I have counseled individuals, couples, families and business partners for the past 35 years and authored eight published books. Every individual I've worked with has had some abandonment wound to heal, and most relationship problems stem from abandonment wounds.

It is not possible to grow up in our society without some abandonment wounds. The following are some of the ways it can occur:

  • Being torn away from mother at birth and put into a nursery.
  • Being left to cry in a crib or playpen.
  • Being given up for adoption or being left in foster care.
  • Being physically and/or sexually abused.
  • Being emotionally abused - ignored, yelled at, shamed.
  • Being pushed aside at the birth of a new sibling.
  • Having a parent or caregiver who is emotionally unavailable.
  • Being unseen or misunderstood by parents or other caregivers.
  • Being lied to.
  • Being unprotected by a parent or caregiver.
  • Being left alone in a hospital during an illness.
  • Losing a beloved parent or grandparent at a very young age.
  • Divorce.
  • Being teased or left out with siblings or peers.
  • Being ridiculed by a teacher.
  • Being forgotten - not being picked up from school or other places.
  • Being left at a young age to care for oneself, a parent, or other siblings.

When we are deeply wounded at a young age, we cannot handle the pain, so we find ways to dissociate from the intense feelings. Then, later in life, especially when we fall in love, these old wounds can get activated. Our beloved gets angry, withdraws, gives attention to someone else, says mean things, doesn't tell the truth, doesn't stand up for us, comes home late, wanders away in a crowded public place, misunderstands us, and so on - and suddenly the pain that has been pushed aside all these years comes roaring to the surface. We think that we are reacting to the present situation, but what is really happening is that the old, unhealed abandonment wound has been touched off. We might find ourselves suddenly enraged or falling apart with intense tears. Our reaction seems too big for the situation, yet we cannot seem to stop the inner pain. We might start to shake violently as the old terror finally erupts.

We want our beloved to take the pain away by stopping his or her behavior. If only he or she would not do the thing that activates these feelings, we would be fine. Yet until we actually heal these old, deep wounds, we will not be fine. We will always be vulnerable to having these wounds activated.

Healing the abandonment wounds does not happen overnight, yet it does not have to take years either. Step one is to tune into your feelings with a willingness to take responsibility for your pain. Once you are aware that deep pain has been activated, seek the help of someone who can hold you and nurture you while you go into the abandonment pain. If no one is available, hold a doll, bear or pillow, and bring in love to the hurting part of you. Open to your concept of God or Spirit and allow this source of love and strength to nurture you.

It is often not advisable to seek the help of the person who activated the wound because:

  1. he or she may still be stuck in their own wounded place, the place that touched off your wound;
  2. you might become dependent upon your beloved taking care of you and taking the pain away instead of actually healing the pain.

Once you are with a safe, nurturing person, or even on the phone with a safe person, hold a doll or bear or even a pillow very tightly and breath into the pain. Open to learning and allow the Inner Child who is in pain to give you information about the original pain that is still stuck in the body. The body holds the memories that you repressed at the time, and now the body is releasing these memories. Many images may come up as you open to learning with your Inner Child. Be sure you have your spiritual guidance with you, holding you, surrounding you with love and comfort as you open to learning about this deep pain. In order to truly understand your present reaction, you need to understand what happened to you when you were little. Keep breathing deeply and allowing your Inner Child to inform you, even if you are crying. Tell the person helping you what your Child is telling you about what happened to you when you were little. It may take awhile, but gradually you will calm down. At that point, tune into what false beliefs you may have embraced as a child that are affecting you now, and what else your Child needs right now to feel loved and safe.

Being there for your wounded child this way will gradually heal the abandonment wounds. Ignoring your feelings, trying to make them go away, or trying to get someone else to take them away will only serve to re-wound you. It is only when you no longer abandon yourself that the old wounds begin to heal. Eventually, another's behavior that previously triggered your intense reaction will no longer do so. You may feel sad or lonely when a loved one gets angry or withdraws in some way, but as long as you continue to show up for yourself, the intense pain will not be there.

If the pain seems stuck in the body no matter what you do, then you need to seek out a practitioner who knows how to release old pain out of the body through acupressure or other bodywork.

Once these old wounds are healing, you will feel a new sense of personal power. Others' behavior can no longer trigger you into these intensely painful feelings. However, a word of caution: we may think it is healed, only to discover another level when we move into a more intimate relationship, or more intimacy with a present partner. The closer the relationship, the deeper the wounds get activated. That is why the primary relationship is the most powerful arena for healing there is, and Inner Bonding - the process outlined here - is a most powerful tool! (See resource box for a FREE Inner Bonding course).

getting the info organized!
getting the info organized!
getting the info organized!

Three Ways to Pursue Your Dreams
by Lisa Martin

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to live the life of your dreams? To wake up every morning feeling excited, inspired and passionate about your life? If you want to be more engaged in your own life you need to find the courage to pursue your secret hopes and ambitions. Perhaps you want to run a marathon, write a book, give a speech or start your own business. What’s stopping you? What’s getting in your way? Chances are your number one obstacle is you…your shoulds, beliefs and fears. Want to blast away these roadblocks to your happiness? Then it’s time to get out the dynamite.

1. Unplug Your Shoulds
For many of us, should is one of the most commonly used words in our vocabulary. “I should call Linda.” “You should put your sweater on.” “I really should go to the gym.”

Shoulds may have been ruling your life for so long that they are almost invisible. They exist in the background of your mind, directing your choices and decisions. Shoulds get in your way.

They can make you feel miserable; they can make you feel guilty. They stop you from focusing on your passions by imposing an outside set of priorities that may or may not be what you want to be doing. To stop shoulds from blocking your path to fulfillment assess which of your shoulds can be eliminated and which are really wants or can be transformed into wants. Aim to become a “should-free zone” by using this four-step formula:

1. Stop. Realize you’ve said “should.”
2. Look. Assess your choices.
3. Listen. Differentiate between wants and shoulds.
4. Learn. Understand the consequences of saying no to the should.

By following this process, you will notice that you start saying no more often to your “shoulds” and yes more often to the things you want to do, which in turn allows your wants, passions and dreams to blossom.

2. Blast Away Defeating Beliefs
What you think can propel you forward or keep you stuck. Limiting and negative thoughts, about you, your abilities and the possibilities open to you, are best described as defeating beliefs. They are often very simple, even simplistic, yet they can have a profound effect on your life.

To liberate yourself from defeating beliefs you must first identify them. Pay attention to your words. What do you tell others and yourself you cannot do? Often a defeating belief lurks behind an excuse or a fear—particularly concerning the things you are most passionate about. “I’m too old to start this now.” “I won’t be able to make any money doing that.” “I have to be in much better shape.” “I don’t have time.” “It will never work.” When you explore your excuses and fears, you will discover your defeating beliefs and be able to create a plan to eliminate them.

3. Face Your Fears
Fear, in all its forms, makes most of us feel unprotected and insecure. It exposes our vulnerability. We become susceptible to the risk of success or failure, to the thoughts and comments of others, to loneliness or to our own inner critic. Yet feeling frightened can also be enlightening. Becoming aware that fear is playing a role in your life is often a gift. It gives you a chance to assess what is holding you back.

Don’t be afraid of fear. Instead, expose your fear to the light and determine whether it is real. Fear definitely evokes real physical responses and emotions, yet ironically the fear itself—the source of your trepidation—may not be real, it may be imagined or the product of worry. When you identify which fears are getting in your way, you can then take all proper and possible precautions to move safely through them. Understanding your fears will help you minimize them as you aim to pursue your dreams.

You have all the wisdom and power to blow-up any obstacle between you and your best life. When you use your dynamite to dispel your “shoulds,” overcome defeating beliefs and understand your fears, you gain the courage it takes to pursue and realize your life’s ambition. It’s your life, live it to the fullest.

© Copyright 2007. Lisa Martin. All rights reserved.

Author's Bio
Lisa Martin is a certified coach who inspires working mothers to achieve success that’s balanced. Author of Briefcase Moms: 10 Proven Practices to Balance Working Mothers’ Lives,Lisa is a sought-after expert and speaker on work-life balance issues. Known for her very personal and practical approach, Lisa coaches working mothers to know what they want and get what they want. http://www.briefcasemoms.com
source site: www.selfgrowth.com

Domestic Violence: A Traumatic Event

Domestic violence and abuse is a traumatic experience to have survived. Both women and children are affected and will deal with their injury in different ways. Children under the age of 11, for example, are uncomfortable with talking about painful feelings. They do not ordinarily tell their parents or other adults what is going through their minds unless they are asked.

Every survivor of a traumatic event can re-experience the trauma at anytime. Conversations, smells, touches can trigger an event or sequence of events that benchmark when the trauma occurred. Children especially have no way to control the intrusion of a flashback; it can happen at anytime or any place. This can make them and their parent feel as if they are not in charge of themselves.

They could be experiencing terror, anxiety, helplessness, rage, or grief. Because talking these feelings through is not something that comes easily for children, they are stuck with a heaviness (imagine carrying a piece of luggage around with you everywhere you go) that they do not know what to do with. These feelings can end up coming out in their behavior.

Each survivor is recovering and may have little energy left for  anything else. They may not be able to resolve disputes with others or even be able to give themselves the self comfort that they need. Survivors direct their energy to the trauma either by dealing with it or trying to block it. What remains is a human being in a fragile state that has little capacity to handle things in ways they used to.

It is important, especially with children, not to deny their experience or its' impact on them. This type of acceptance helps a survivor to deal with what has happened to them either directly or indirectly. When the woman comes from a nondominant group, and especially when the man is from a dominant culture, any racist, sexual, ablest or class slurs may add to and intensify this abuse.

Like anyone who is systematically tortured, isolated, humiliated, and given highly contradictory messages the average woman who is subjected to extreme partner abuse has little sense of her own worth and is enormously confused and terrified.

She stays because . . . .

  • she still harbors some hope and/or because she does not know what else to do.

  • she has bought the line that children need their father and because she cannot imagine raising them alone.

  • family is central to her.

  • she "loves" this man and because he "loves" her.

  • not simply despite the jealousy, rage, scrutiny and violence, but also because of it.

(Part of what she fell in love with may have been super- possessiveness, attentiveness to a fault, and the hint of violence. It is these qualities that underpin romantic love, and in Western society the romantic love tradition underpins extreme battery.)

  • he hurts and says he is lost without her. (Women are supposed to take care of and stand behind their man.)

  • her culture and community dictate wifely obedience and would blame her if she left.

  • she has no money, no one to help her, no way to earn a living, and no place to go.

  • he has threatened to kill her if she leaves, and she has every reason to believe that this is one promise he will keep.

  • he always found her, dragged her back, and beat her whenever she escaped in the past.

  • the alternative is loneliness and abject poverty.

Whether she has an analysis of the larger situation or not, and whether she has many illusions or no illusions at all, she stays because she is stuck in a patriarchal society that creates and mystifies the problem of wife abuse and gives only token help to battered women and their children. In the midst of a nightmare like domestic violence, it is difficult for anyone to remain focused and clear, let alone trust.

The popular image of "the battered wife" is of someone subject to physical abuse that is not overtly sexual. This abuse ranges from slaps, to kicks, to being thrown against a wall, to being burned with cigarettes or being subjected to other obvious acts of torture. This popular image leaves out as much as it shows, and the assumption itself is naive. On the purely physical side, some subtler acts deeply harm because of their psychological impact.

These include:

  • Subtle disfigurement of any part of the body that the woman takes special pride in , or identifies with.

  • Subtle disfigurement to any part of the body that the woman is already ashamed of.

  • Being held firmly by some part of the body.

Sexual abuses that commonly occur in extreme partner abuse include:

  • Pressure to have sex.

  • Pressure to perform sexual acts that she finds degrading or disgusting.

  • Being photographed in sexual positions against her wishes.

  • Being forced to have sex with others, with or without the partner watching.

  • Being called sexual names for purposes of degradation.

  • Being forced to have sex while hurting from battery.

  • Genital/breast mutilation

Common types of psychological abuse include being:

  • Constantly told that she is stupid, ugly, or incompetent.

  • Compared with women who are depicted as infinitely brighter, prettier, or more competent.

  • Told the details of affairs with other women.

  • "Punished" for "transgressions" committed by these other women.

  • Called degrading names, such as stupid, bitch, witch, whore.

  • Continually being accused of infidelity.

  • Told repeatedly that she provoked the battery and that what is happening is her fault.

  • Deprived of money.

  • Denied the opportunities to take courses or to go places.

  • Forbidden to see friends and relatives.

  • Locked in the house.

  • Given threats to leave, accompanied by assurances like, "You are so fucking ugly now that you will never be able to get another man."

  • The destruction of favorite objects.

  • Violence against loved others, including children and pets.

  • Continual threats of violence.

  • The cycle of violence itself.

Other devastating forms of abuse also occur including sexual, emotional, and psychological abuse. Overt sexual abuse, "emotional", and "psychological" abuse are particularly noteworthy. These may accompany battery or occur alone. We forget, to women's detriment, that women who are never punched, slapped, or kicked can still be survivors of extreme partner abuse. Women have shared again and again, it is not the slaps and the kicks that hurt  most, it is the ongoing humiliation, the name calling, the isolation, the general degradation.

POINTS TO REMEMBER - Survivors of trauma respond differently.

Women/children may have:

  • difficulty talking about their feelings

  • difficulty having their feelings

  • flashbacks

  • trouble sleeping

  • loss of memory

  • acting out

  • acting in

  • controlling behaviors

  • out of control behaviors.

  • grief

  • low/no energy

  • inability to self nurture

  • lack of direction

  • fragility

  • feelings of being different

  • lack of information

  • illness

We must remember that routines are important. They provide safety, in that their is a reliability in their sameness. Talking also helps both women and their children. Children talk at times through their play. It offers a way to work out their experiences that gives them a sense that they are over what happened.

Talking and playing provide:

  • safety

  • reassurance

  • support

  • information

  • opportunities to regain some control in their lives.

Each of us have a role to share in these methods of healing.

(*footnote: In working out an exit plan with battered women and their children one must remember that this plan should be inclusive of the entire family unit. The preceding points could be shared with women and kept in mind in developing any future action.)

The following outcomes may be what you could expect if your children have experienced/witnessed domestic violence or abuse.

Birth - 6 years:

  • Babies and small children have only their behavior to show their distress.

  • Babies may show more crying, irritability, need to be held for longer periods of time.

  • There are night terrors, fear of going to sleep, having bad dreams, fear of dark, etc.

  • Small children may be more dependent until they can feel safe and secure again.

  • A lack of security may lead your child to be unable to explore the world as before.

  • Children may fear being abandoned. The loss or threatened loss of grown- ups is terrifying.

  • The lack of security and fear of abandonment can show up in irritability, unusual outbursts and general out-of-control behavior.

  • The opposite behavior of withdrawal and rigidity to hold off the anxiety.

  • Some children may purposefully hurt themselves, their dolls, their siblings, or their pets. This is an attempt to show what happened to them. It is also a cry for help.

6 - 12 years

  • Children in this age range may show signs of regression.

  • Some children may show a decline in school. A lot might depend on their support system, their sleeping patterns, and if they are depressed.

  • Children may talk repeatedly about the trauma or they may not want to talk about it at all. The kids need to find their way of getting a handle on the trauma.

  • Children may feel guilty or feel like a failure because they believe they could have done more to stop everything from happening.

  • Reenactment of traumatic events may occur during play.

  • They may be angry at people whom they feel should have protected them and angry at themselves for being vulnerable.

  • They may be afraid of being separated or lost.

  • Some children may take chances to try to prove themselves invulnerable.

  • There may be more competition with siblings.

  • Children may be more rigid because they are trying to deal with the trauma by constricting what is coming into their lives. They want to stay with what's familiar.

  • Children may behave "spacey". Children may seem like they're ignoring you, but it's the trauma they're trying to ignore.

  • Feelings of smallness and of being unprotected come back and children panic. Smallness and helplessness bring about feelings of shame.


  • Teens can think more about the trauma and how it has affected them.

  • Teens may be very hard on themselves, they believe they could always be doing more.

  • There might be signs of regression.

  • They may become antisocial - withdrawing from regular activities, depression, isolation.

  • They might begin acting out more, like drinking, sex, criminal activity.

  • Teens may want to be more grown-up so they can feel more in control, for themselves and for the grown-ups around them.

  • Sleeping problems and hyper-arousal.

  • Suicide is also an issue for some teens.

  • Some teens may feel immune because they have survived so much. They might do things they are afraid of in order to counteract the fear (e.g. reckless driving).


  • Trauma-driven acting out behavior: sexual acting out or reckless, risk- taking behavior.

  • Efforts to distance from feelings of shame, guilt, humiliation.

  • Accident proneness.

  • Flight into driven activity and involvement with others or retreat from others in order to manage inner turmoil.

  • Wish for revenge and action-oriented responses to trauma.

  • Increased self-focusing and withdrawal.

  • Sleep and eating disturbances, nightmares. Acute awareness of and distress with intrusive imagery and memories of trauma.

  • Vulnerability to depression, withdrawal and pessimistic world view.

  • Personality changes and changes in quality of important relationships evident.

  • Flight into adulthood seen as way of escaping impact and memory of trauma (early marriage, pregnancy, dropping out of school, abandoning peer group for older set of friends.)

  • Fear of growing up and need to stay within family orbit.

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Click here to visit the Red Cross page that allows you to access your local chapter of the Red Cross by entering your zip code in the specified box, to see how you can help in your area. You can also call your local Red Cross Chapter that you can find the number for online or in your local phone book to volunteer for any openings that may need to be filled or you can find another way to help others there as well!

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